YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
