I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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