I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
