May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize