can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you win again, gameday.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
