I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
