This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
