i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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