When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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