Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You ruined the universe
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
