Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
