Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
