It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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