We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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