so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
