I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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