just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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