It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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