Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
