two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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