I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
