I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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