apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
