We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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