gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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