I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
