the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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