Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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