I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
