So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
