I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
