I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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