My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
