I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
