Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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