Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
