I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Someone came in the potted fern
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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