im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize