You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
