Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
