i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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