soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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