The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize