"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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