Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
