so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
