i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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