its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
