saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
