college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
