Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
