Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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