I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
