I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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