It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
